Anger / Sadness / Forgiveness

I have spent most of the last week oscillating between sadness and anger. The anger has seethed inside me most of the time. I have retreated from members of the family who even though I rationally know I should not blame, emotionally a big part of me does. I have been cold. I have been mean. I am trying not to be, but it is very difficult. The anger is a poison. And I have not yet figured out the way to purge it. Distraction is part of it. Getting so caught up in something (be it work or something else) that I have no time to think of it. But then, when I get to the moment of stillness… either the sadness or the anger comes rushing back. One or the other. And that in turn makes me sad.

A week ago I had a big loss. I am still working through it. I know in the big scheme of things, it is a little thing, there is so much worse in the world at large, but in my world, it was huge. And it still hurts. And I am still wounded. I have been taking it out on myself, and I have been taking it out on those around me. That is wrong. I need to stop. I need to understand and forgive those around me, and I have to forgive myself and stop punishing myself as well.

But even when your head wants to, the heart sometimes takes awhile to forgive and accept and move on.

But it knows it needs to. Cause otherwise the damage just spirals, and everything gets worse and worse and never gets better. And that can’t happen.

I have been told by many (not this week, thank you) that I am overly emotional and sensitive at times when it comes to certain things… like this… and I know that. But it doesn’t change the fact that I am in fact that way. So things hit me hard, and it takes me longer than most to get over them.

I know where I need to be. I know I am not there yet. I know that I have to work to be there. And so I will.

It has been a hard week. And I apologize to those I have been hard on.

Another week begins. Forgiveness and acceptance will come.